but are you sure?

hesitation in transition

2 days ago i had my first gender counseling session. there my therapist told me that i would be able to start testosterone in about four months and probably get top surgery in a little over a year. i know that i want these thing. in fact i need them to live, i need them to concentrate on anything in my life other than my body and the way it’s perceived.

now that i actually know for sure i can transition, i’ve been feeling a certain hesitation. im not even sure if hesitation is the right word for it, but i don’t think i know a better one.

after my session i told my dad about everything and i want to clarify, he is very supportive of my identity. all he really said about it is that he's happy for me, but if i ever feel like things are going too fast for me or im not sure about a certain doctor's opinion, to take things at my own pace and get as many second opinions as i need.
hes completely right about all of that, but thinking about all of these things actually happening - things i’ve wanted since i knew they were a even a possibility - feels a little strange. it feels unreal, like someone is just playing a prank on me.

also i think its definitely normal to have some sort of hesitation or at least some careful consideration when it comes to transition. after all testosterone and surgery are (largely) permanent. for me that’s exactly the point, but sometimes i still have this feeling that im just faking being trans.

i think a lot of that is because i don’t have the extremely severe dysphoria i used to have anymore. in my almost 10 years of knowing that im trans and thinking about the intricacies of my identity, i’ve found my own ways of dealing with dysphoria. at some point after figuring out im trans when i was 11 or 12 i just got used to pretending people are referring to me with the correct name and pronouns. instead of my deadname being on the roll call, it was my preferred one. instead of “she’s a good student" it was "he’s a good student".

i feel like that’s part of the reason i used to have a big problem with derealisation and maladaptive daydreaming. i created an entire world in my head, complete with different parents and different friends. in that world everyone respected my identity, no one misgendered me or used my deadname.

at this point i’m kinda numb to most dysphoria in the sense that i do feel it, but i can mentally tune off when i do. as i’m writing this i realize that i’m describing dissociation. and it makes me sad that i’ve hurt so much at my young age, that now i can’t even tell if i hurt.

i feel like such an idiot thinking abut all of this. i know i’m trans. i know i need to transition. only 2 months ago i thought to myself, that i don’t understand people who say they felt hesitation before any new step in their transition. and even if i did understand them, i never thought i’d feel the same way they did.

all i know is that when i see a shirtless guy i envy him. and i envy him even more if he has a hairy chest.

i am not scared of masculinity, but i respect it.